How do I get my teenager to listen to me?

It's a question I hear from almost every parent I meet. They can see the mistakes their teen is making; they probably made them themselves when they were young. So why on earth is their child so determined not to take on board the perspective and advice they can offer, and how how HOW can they get them to listen?

Of course, listening isn't just about hearing or even understanding the words that are being broadcast. It's about a certain attitude towards the content. The first thing to understand about giving advice (or guidance, ideas, views) to teens is that it starts with a question of trust. Trust is fundamental to human relationships because we have evolved to live in groups. To do so, we needed to develop a way of knowing if our neighbour could be relied upon to guard our fire, to look after our baby, to tell us where the new food source was. We had to be able to look inside their skull almost telepathically and ask, does this person have my best interests at heart? Are their actions based on an understanding of my needs, or do they have their own agenda?

When it comes to taking in and acting on knowledge, what teenagers need is epistemic trust (from the Greek epistēmē, meaning knowledge or understanding). This concept is fundamental to parenting and psychological therapy, because so often we're trying to pass on some sort of information, often about the social world around us. No, don't trust that boy/girlfriend, don't vape, do do your homework, don't talk to strangers online, do get your haircut once in a while.

So, how do you arrive at this special kind of trust that makes giving advice possible? The answer is both quite straightforward and a little tricky to wrap your head around.

I have epistemic trust in you when my image of me in my head matches my image of your image of me in your head. To put it another way, I have epistemic trust in you when I think that you get it.

Image by Karina Woodhead

Let’s think about it in context. Jay’s 16 and he’s having a hard time. His girlfriend has just broken up with him and his GCSEs are on the horizon. He’s heartbroken, and he doesn’t feel like studying. In fact, he doesn’t feel like getting out of bed. Jay’s Mum Sally has desperately tried to convey to him all manner of messages she thinks might be helpful: “There’s plenty more fish in the sea,” “Maybe she’ll come around,” “Just try to focus on your exams,” “Try getting outside for a walk.” Surely there must be something here of value. But nothing Sally says seems to be going in.

The problem is more than likely that Jay doesn’t yet feel that Mum really understands what life is like for him. Sure, she says she’s been there, but how can she possibly know about the acute pain of loss he’s experiencing right now? She’s Mum! For as long as that good advice seems to be bouncing off or travelling straight through Jay’s head, Sally needs to take this as a sign that epistemic trust has yet to be established, and she’s going to need to be prepared to work really hard to get there. 

The royal road to “getting it” is curiosity. When we’re feeling stuck with adolescents who are angry, upset, sad, perhaps a bit too excited about something that’s worrying for us, we need to recognise that our world really is very different to theirs, and that they have a lot to teach us. We can start with narrative: What exactly happened? When? Who was there? Has this happened before? What do you think will happen next? And then we can try some “empathic wondering”: Perhaps that made them feel worried, or angry? Might they have wondered what that person thought of them? We could be wrong, of course, but that’s how we imagine we would feel in that situation. When we finally crack it, when teenagers do experience adults as getting it, you can see them relax and begin to listen. That’s the moment to offer one or two very well-chosen words of advice.

We can’t expect miracles (or even a thank you). We need to remember that teens are hard-wired to go against the grain, to not listen too closely to their elders: this is the drive that gets them out into the world and carving their own path. But maybe in Jay’s case, Mum’s curiosity is enough to make him accept a cup of tea or get online and check what revision he’s been set. If some fragment of Sally’s advice makes it in, this might be enough to change the course of his day, his mood, and perhaps his future. Perhaps you can think back on your own adolescence and identify someone who did this for you, someone who got it and told you something that stuck with you.

Sometimes curiosity isn’t enough: sometimes the thing that needs to be “got” is some difficult thought or feeling about the person who’s asking, and that can cause a stalemate. As they grow up, children also become less inclined to talk to their parents about certain subjects, to keep more of their mind for themselves and their peers. In these cases, a third party, perhaps a trusted friend of the family, an aunt or uncle, can be helpful. If things still feel stuck, then you might want to reach out for professional help. But when things are tough with teens, we can often benefit from coming back to this fundamental question: do they feel like I get it?

You can find how to choose a mental health professional here. You can also find out more about how to help your child with specific problems in my blogs about anxiety and depression.